Being perfect, sounds great. What’s wrong for striving for doing everything in our life exactly right? Why wouldn’t we at least try to be perfect? This was how I thought for a lot of my life. The problem is, it is exhausting and impossible, not to mention disappointing. What I had to learn was how to be okay with not being perfect. Life has taught me that I can’t be perfect, but what I can be is real- and that is a lot better.
Here is what Brene Brown has to say about perfectionism:
- Perfectionism is a self-destructive and
addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of blame, judgement, and shame. - Perfectionism is an unattainable goal. It’s more about perception than internal motivation, and there is no way to control perception, no matter how much time and energy is spent trying.
- Perfectionism is addictive, because when we invariably do experience shame, judgement, and blame, we often believe it’s because we weren’t perfect enough. Rather than questioning the faulty logic of perfectionism, we become even more entrenched in our quest to look and do everything just right.
- Perfectionism actually sets us up to feel shame, judgement, and blame, which then leads to more shame, judgement, and blame: It’s my fault. I’m feeling this way because I’m not good enough.
How to let go of perfectionism:
Take care of you.
- Here is how this personally showed up in my life, let me know if this sounds familiar…
- The “perfect mom or wife” is selfless and puts her family’s needs above her own. She makes herself small and fits into this nice, neat box where everyone thinks she is sweet. She denies that she has needs so often, that she forgets that she even has them and so, has no idea how to even ask for them to be met.
- This is the destructive thought that kept me in a state of anxiety and depression for many years, but I always had a smile on my face. I knew how to play the part. I put so much pressure on myself. It made me irritable, caused me to not sleep, I had constant ruminating thoughts, and it held me back from living an authentic life. Consequences of living like this are huge. If you are in the middle of this dangerous spiral, you may not even know how to stop it.
- Start small. Try just getting up 15 minutes before everyone else and journal, meditate, listen to a podcast, read a chapter in a book, draw, or just sit in the quiet and enjoy an uninterrupted cup of coffee. Allow it to build from there.
- Here is how this personally showed up in my life, let me know if this sounds familiar…
Be kind to yourself.
- If you are caught up in perfectionism, you are probably not talking very kindly to yourself. Start with awareness. When you find yourself talking negatively to yourself – ask if you would say what you just said to a friend, your daughter, or sister. If you wouldn’t, then don’t say it to yourself. Recognize it and then reframe it.
- Here are some things to try to get started –
- Negative – “I am so out of shape, I can’t even finish a workout, I am disgusting.”
- Reframe – “I get tired right now during my workout.”
- Negative – “I am such an idiot, why did I do that?”
- Reframe – “Every mistake is an opportunity for me to learn and grow, I am doing my best right now.”
- Negative – “I fail at everything I try; I am a failure.”
- Reframe – “Fear of failure does not control me.”
Set up boundaries.
- Boundaries say, “what I need and how I feel is important”. They are the path to healthy relationships with yourself and others and help us break free from perfectionism.
- Some examples of boundaries are:
- “I am not discussing this topic with you.”
- “Can you please handle bath time so that I can have 20 minutes to read a book, or go on a walk,” etc.
- “Please do not comment on my weight, it makes me uncomfortable.”
- For a more detailed look into boundary setting, Nedra Glover Tawwab is an expert. I highly recommend her book “Set Boundaries, Find Peace”
Deal with emotions.
- Perfectionism is about perception. When our focus is on how we appear, feelings and emotions get stuffed down, or dealt with inappropriately. This leads to them manifesting in an unhealthy way like lashing out.
- One of the best ways I have heard this explained is by Glennon Doyle, she said:
- “Pain is a traveling professor and the smartest people I know are the people who say come in and just don’t leave until you’ve taught me what I need to know”
- Feelings are meant to be felt, they demand it. If we don’t allow them to be felt appropriately, they will figure another way to come out. In Glennon’s book Love Warrior she calls these “easy buttons.”
- Sometimes easy buttons look like addictions – over eating, excessive drinking. It may be getting into relationships that are unhealthy, numbing with social media. Usually, it is by doing things that give us instant gratification. The problem with these “easy buttons”, is they are not a long-term solution. Feelings will continue to bubble up and we just keep hitting the easy button instead of dealing with it.
Let people help.
- Asking for help is vulnerable. Perfectionism and vulnerability are opposites of each other. When I was living deep in perfectionism, the last thing I ever wanted to do was ask for help.
- My thoughts would look like – “if you were really a good mother, then you wouldn’t need anyone’s help.” “If you ask for help, people will think that you don’t know what you are doing.” When in actuality, vulnerability allows us to have deeper and more meaningful connections.
Does any of this resonate with you? Is this something that you are struggling with as well? If you are & don’t know what to do next, I can help! As a holistic nurse and wellness coach I work with you and we come up with real ways to get you from where you are, to where you want to be.
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D I S C L A I M E R Anything that I discuss about making any lifestyle changes is from my own experience and/or other clients personal experiences and may not be suited for you. It is strongly recommended that you consult with your health professional before making changes in your own life. By engaging in anything that I talk about, you agree that you do so at your own risk.