The love and relationship we have with ourselves is the foundation of every other relationship in our lives.
The way we show up for our kids.
The way we connect with friends and family.
The way we experience romantic partnership.
All of it is shaped by the relationship we have with ourselves.
When self-love is shaky, strained, or nonexistent, our other relationships tend to struggle too — even when we care deeply and are doing our best.
And yet, the idea of self-love can feel overwhelming, unrealistic, or even cheesy.
You might be thinking:
- I don’t have time to work on self-love.
- I’m managing too much already.
- After betrayal or heartbreak, loving myself feels impossible.
If that’s you, I want you to know this:
Self-love is possible — and it can make everything else in your life feel lighter and more supportive, especially your relationships.
What Self-Love Actually Is (and What It Isn’t)
Real self-love isn’t about perfection, constant confidence, or having everything figured out.
It’s not ego.
It’s not pretending things don’t hurt.
It’s not always feeling good about yourself.
It’s not about being right.
Self-love is a relationship.
And just like any healthy relationship, it’s built through:
- Awareness
- Listening
- Trust
- Repair
- Consistency over time
The Realization That Changed Everything for Me
During my own healing after betrayal, I realized something that surprised me:
I had never really taken the time to know myself.
For most of my life, I was focused on caring for others — their needs, their emotions, their problems. With the awareness that I have now, I am sure that this was partly deflection of not wanting to totally take a peek inside!! But nonetheless I stayed busy fixing external things, which meant I never slowed down enough to ask myself:
- What do I want?
- What do I need?
- What matters to me?
And if you don’t know those things, it’s impossible to communicate them to someone else.
When we don’t know ourselves, other people can’t truly know us either.
Learning to know and love myself didn’t happen overnight — and it’s still ongoing. Just like any relationship, the one you have with yourself evolves over time.
But it has been the most important work I’ve done in creating a life and relationships that feel aligned.
How to Begin Building a Relationship With Yourself
What follows isn’t prescriptive. I’m not telling you what you should do.
I’m sharing what worked for me.
1. Awareness and Curiosity
When my marriage ended abruptly after 17½ years, I found myself navigating life on my own for the first time.
For the first time, I had space that belonged only to me.
At first, that space felt:
- Scary
- Lonely
- Overwhelming
- Heavy
And then something shifted.
That space became relief.
And eventually, excitement.
Not because things weren’t hard — they were incredibly hard — but because I was meeting myself for the first time.
I wasn’t intentionally trying to “find myself.”
It happened through the raw experience of life, awareness, healing, and curiosity.
2. Reflection and Processing
I sought support immediately:
- Therapy (including EMDR)
- Spiritual guidance
- Daily journaling
- Reading and learning
- Honest emotional processing
I paid attention to how I felt and got curious about my patterns, habits, and coping mechanisms.
I still have journals from that season, and when I reread them, I still cry, laugh and feel incredibly proud — not because I did it perfectly, but because I was honest.
Self-love grows through authentic self-reflection, not self-criticism.
3. Noticing and Listening to Yourself
Awareness alone doesn’t create self-love.
Listening and action does.
This means:
- Taking yourself seriously when something feels off
- Not rushing past what feels good
- Asking, What do I need right now?
- Getting curious about emotional and nervous system responses
Being activated doesn’t mean something is wrong — it often means something is trying to communicate with you.
Instead of letting anxiety or discomfort control your choices, curiosity allows you to learn what those feelings are asking for.
This is where journaling, stillness, and professional support can be incredibly helpful.
4. Rebuilding Self-Trust Through Small Promises
Self-love isn’t built through grand gestures.
It’s built through small, consistent acts of trust.
For me, that looked like:
- Setting boundaries
- Saying no when I meant no
- Letting go of over-explaining
- Starting my day with 5 minutes of meditation and journaling
Trust — in any relationship — comes from showing up consistently.
And yes, that includes the relationship with yourself.
5. Repair: Making Amends and Forgiving Yourself
You won’t always show up perfectly for yourself.
That’s part of being human.
Self-love requires repair.
Instead of shame or self-criticism, repair sounds like:
- I see where I didn’t honor myself.
- What can I learn from this?
- How can I do this differently next time?
If you wouldn’t speak to someone you love the way you speak to yourself in hard moments, it’s time to shift your inner dialogue.
Repair builds trust.
Trust builds love.
Simple Ways to Start Building Self-Love Today
You don’t need to overhaul your life.
Start here:
- Each morning, write 1–3 things you did well in the last 24 hours
- Each evening, ask:
- What felt good today?
- What felt draining?
- How can I support myself better tomorrow?
- When self-criticism appears, ask:
- What would I say to someone I love right now?
- Write a letter to yourself offering compassion and repair
- Try new things simply to discover what you enjoy
- Journal regularly
- Listen to music that makes you happy
- Buy yourself flowers
Small things add up.
Over time, you begin to feel loved — by you and that expands out to others.
Closing Reflection
There’s a quote I recently read that captures the heart of self-love and relationships so perfectly. It speaks to what real love is — and what learning to love yourself truly means.
“The longer I live, the more deeply I learn that love, whether you call it friendship, family, or romance, is the work of mirroring and magnifying each other’s light. Gentle work, steadfast work, life-saving work. In those moments when life and shame and sorrow occlude our own light from our view, there is still a clear-eyed loving person to beam it back. In our best moments, we are that person for another.”
And sometimes — especially after heartbreak, betrayal, or seasons of deep change — the most important work is learning how to be that clear-eyed, loving person for yourself.
Self-love isn’t about fixing yourself.
It’s about seeing yourself clearly.
It’s about repair, trust, curiosity, and compassion.
It’s about building a relationship with yourself that feels safe, supportive, and real — one small act at a time.
And as that relationship strengthens, something beautiful happens:
Your other relationships begin to feel lighter.
More honest.
More aligned.
Because love, in every form, grows best when it has a solid foundation.
How I Support Women in this work
Coaching- what best describes you:
- I want coaching and I’ve experienced infidelity and am looking for a way forward
- I want coaching that is focused on making changes with nutrition
- I want coaching to improve my overall life
Love Your REAL Life membership: Learn more here
Inside the Love Your Real Life Membership, you’ll find tools, practices, and community support designed to help you stay steady, grow with intention, and keep loving the life you’re building.
The Love Your Real Life Podcast!! Listen in your way:
7-Days to loving your REAL Life more- Register here
- This 7-day email challenge will help you stay accountable and motivated to build the foundational habits towards living a life that you love.
Follow me on Social Media:
See what living a life that you love looks like for me in my everyday life.
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Be well,
Faith
Board Certified Nurse coach
Holistic Coaching • Yoga teacher • Love Your REAL Life Membership
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D I S C L A I M E R Anything that I discuss about making any lifestyle changes is from my own experience and/or other clients personal experiences and may not be suited for you. It is strongly recommended that you consult with your health professional before making changes in your own life. By engaging in anything that I talk about, you agree that you do so at your own risk.