If you have experienced infidelity, heartbreak or navigating through a big life shift you may find that a lot of changes that you are experiencing feel out of your control. I know when I was experiencing this, one of my first instincts was to control everything that I could. I thought that adding a bunch of new things would help me. And there are a lot of things that were helpful that I added into my life. Making my bed every morning, meditating and journaling before I looked at my phone, social media or email. But, no matter how many systems I set up or new habits I brought in, because I was living parts of my life outside of my values, it was not enough.
So let’s talk about how to know if you are living outside of your values- what your mind, body and spirit may experience, common sneaky ways that people are doing things that are outside of their values and then practical steps on how to shift so that you are living inside your values.
How to know if you are living outside of your values.
If you are like me, then you might not even be fully aware that this is what is going on, so I want to give you some framework to help guide you through it.
Usually if you are living outside of your values, you will feel like something is off even if you can’t explain why.
Maybe it shows up as physical symptoms in your body:
- headaches
- nausea
- tightness in your shoulders or jaw
- an “off” feeling after being around someone
Maybe it shows up in your behavior
- avoiding certain conversations or situations
- doing things in secret because you feel shameful
Maybe it shows up in your thoughts:
- that inner voice saying, “Why am I still doing this?”
- negative self thoughts
Many times these thoughts and behaviors lead to feeling shame.
Not because you’re doing something “bad” —but because you’re doing something that doesn’t match your values anymore.
Shame thrives in this environment and shame is not a helpful feeling.
When we feel shame it can convince us that stopping means:
- admitting failure
- disappointing others
- facing change we’re not ready for
- acknowledging that we have outgrown something {a person, experience or way of being} that has been happening for a long time
This can all feel really hard. So instead, we stay, keep doing the things that we really don’t want to do. Convincing ourselves that we will deal with it later when we feel stronger or have accomplished something else first.
But there is never really the perfect time to deal with this.
Common ways we live outside of our values
1. Saying Yes When You Actually Want to Say No
You agree to things because:
- you don’t want to disappoint anyone
- you don’t want to be seen as difficult
- you feel guilty prioritizing yourself
Afterward, you feel resentful or exhausted — and maybe a little ashamed for feeling that way.
The misalignment is because you have been abandoning your own needs to “keep the peace”.
2. Staying Busy to Avoid Feeling
If you are going through something that is hard right now, it can be common to fill your schedule because slowing down brings up feelings that are not comfortable.
- grief
- loneliness
- uncertainty
Busyness becomes a way to avoid what hurts — and there’s often shame around needing rest or space.
The misalignment isn’t necessarily the busyness itself, but that you are may be using it to disconnect from yourself.
3. Staying Quiet Instead of Speaking Your Truth
You don’t say what you really feel because:
- you don’t want conflict
- you’re afraid of being misunderstood
- you worry about being “too much”
Afterward, there’s often a resentment— and that misalignment is because you betrayed yourself and didn’t speak up for what you needed or how you felt.
4. Overexplaining or Justifying Your Choices
If you start to shift the way you are doing something — you may feel the need to:
- explain yourself repeatedly
- justify boundaries
- defend your healing choices
We often feel like we need to get people’s approval and so the misalignment comes from feeling like permission to live our life the way we want to is required.
5. Shrinking Yourself to Feel Safe
If you have experienced betrayal, heart break or big life shifts you might:
- not want to express your needs
- avoid asking for reassurance
- downplay your emotions
- try to be “easy”
The misalignment here is self-abandonment and not being true to you’re own needs.
6. Maintaining Relationships That Don’t Feel Safe
You stay in certain dynamics because:
- you don’t want to hurt anyone
- you feel responsible for others’ feelings
- leaving or setting boundaries feels selfish
But inside, something feels off — and it might feel like it’s easier to ignore it.
Alignment doesn’t mean cutting people off, but sometimes it means changing what kind of access they have to your life.
When we aren’t living with in our values doing everything else feels harder:
- motivation can feel low
- consistency feels impossible
- routines can feel forced
- self-criticism increases
- Self-trust is impacted big time
- Fatigue increases
- Irritability is ramped up
- Energy is drained
Practical steps on how to shift this
We don’t have time machines which means we can’t go back and do something differently- so spending energy wishing that you could, will not help you move forward. All we can do is starting now to choose the action that is in your values.
This might look like-
- reducing how often you engage with someone
- unfollowing or blocking someone on social media
- saying no to certain events
- being honest with yourself- journal daily to help
- doing a brain dump journal to get in touch with your thoughts
- pausing before answering a text or email or phone call
Living in Alignment with our values, doesn’t require a public declaration. (for any office fans you don’t have to do what Michel did when he declared bankruptcy- lol)
What you might notice
When you stop doing something that goes against your values, you may feel:
- relief
- fear
- grief
- uncertainty
- joy
- like a weight has been lifted off of your shoulders
- A mixture of these things…
It might feel awkward at first, but that is only because it is new.
Try this to get started
Ask yourself:
- Where do I feel negative around something I keep doing?
- What value of mine is being ignored here?
- What would I need to choose differently to honor that value?
You don’t need to change everything at once. Small consistent steps matter the most.
Before We Close…
Creating a life you love isn’t about being perfect and it’s not about only doing things that you want to all of the time.
It is about
- being clear about what you want and need
- talking openly and honestly
- showing up for yourself
- not automatically disappointing yourself for fear of disappointing others
Remember this:
You’re allowed to outgrow old patterns.
You’re allowed to change your mind.
And you’re allowed to stop doing things that no longer reflect who you are.
How I Support Women in this work
1. Coaching- what best describes you:
- I want coaching and I’ve experienced infidelity and am looking for a way forward
- I want coaching that is focused on making changes with nutrition
- I want coaching to improve my overall life
2. Love Your REAL Life membership: Learn more here
Inside the Love Your Real Life Membership, you’ll find tools, practices, and community support designed to help you stay steady, grow with intention, and keep loving the life you’re building.
3. The Love Your Real Life Podcast!! Listen in your way:
4. 7-Days to loving your REAL Life more- Register here
- This 7-day email challenge will help you stay accountable and motivated to build the foundational habits towards living a life that you love.
5. Follow me on Social Media:
See what living a life that you love looks like for me in my everyday life
- Instagram– follow my stories and reels
- On Pinterest – come pin with me – check out my boards for my favorite meal planning ideas and more!
- & if you want to dive into wellness a more, join my FREE private Facebook Group: Wellness for Real Life- body, mind and spirit
Faith
Board Certified Nurse coach
Holistic Coaching • Yoga teacher • Love Your REAL Life Membership
***Some of the links in my posts contain affiliate links and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link. I pinky promise I will always give my honest opinion of any product and would never recommend something if I did not use and love it!!
D I S C L A I M E R Anything that I discuss about making any lifestyle changes is from my own experience and/or other clients personal experiences and may not be suited for you. It is strongly recommended that you consult with your health professional before making changes in your own life. By engaging in anything that I talk about, you agree that you do so at your own risk.