Resentment is one of those emotions that most of us do not love to admit we experience. In can feel uncomfortable. It can bring up guilt, shame, defensiveness, or the belief that something is wrong with us- or with someone else. We may tell ourselves that we should be more grateful, more patient, move loving or more understanding.
But what if resentment is not the enemy?
What if resentment is not a sign that something is wrong with you?
What if resentment is actually something that is here to help?
When we learn how to deal with resentment in a healthy way, it can become a powerful source of information. It can point us toward the places in our life where something is out of alignment. It can reveal unmet needs, unspoken boundaries, hidden desires or truths we have been avoiding.
Resentment is not a problem, it is an arrow pointing to the problem.
What Is Resentment Really Trying to Show You?
Have you ever noticed yourself feeling irritated by someone you love?
Maybe it’s your spouse who did not notice all of the things you did around the house. You cleaned that bathrooms, folded the laundry, did the dishes, cooked dinner and kept the household moving- and not even a word of thanks…
Maybe your kids asked you for one more thing when you were already depleted after driving everyone to all of the things and making sure lunches were packed and dinner was planned and made.
Maybe a friend regularly comes to you for support, but doesn’t ever ask about your life.
Maybe a coworker gets praised for doing what feels like the bare minimum compared to the responsibility and tasks that you are carrying.
Or maybe you see someone on social media taking another trip, resting, having fun, or creating a life that looks fun and carefree.
You start to feel annoyance, judgment, jealousy, resentment.
And then you start judging yourself for feeling that way- what kind of mom, wife, friend, etc am I?
But resentment is not about another person. It is showing something about yourself-
Maybe its’ that you are:
Craving more adventure
Exhausted and need rest
Taking care of everyone else’s needs and wants and not your own
Waiting for permission to do something that lights you up
Have been saying yes when you want to say no
Pretending something doesn’t bother you when it really does
This is where resentment can become your friend- not because it feels good to feel it, but because it is pointing you to something you need to know.
Resentment Often Reveals Unmet Needs
Resentment usually begins quietly. It may start as feeling a little annoyed, thinking things like, “That must be nice” or “Of course I’m the one who has to do this.”
When we continue to do things that we don’t want to do over and over again, resentment builds, it gets louder and louder, and at some point it comes out in ways that we don’t want it to like:
- Criticism
- Distance
- Keeping score
- Snapping at people around you
- Withdrawing from people you love
- Feeling completely overwhelmed
Over time, resentment in relationships can create emotional distance, tension and disconnection. But perhaps the greatest cost of resentment is what is does to the relationship you have with yourself. Because every time resentment points to a need, boundary, desire or truth- and you ignore it, you are ignoring yourself.
You are teaching yourself that your needs and feelings don’t matter.
You are silencing your own inner wisdom.
You are moving farther from self-trust.
A Real-Life Example of Resentment
Imagine a woman named Sally. She works full-time, takes care of the kids, manages the family calendar, schedules appointments, plans meals and shops for the groceries, remembers birthdays and buys the gifts, organizes the holidays and keeps the household running.
From the outside it loos like she really has things under control. But inside resentment is building up.
She thinks-
- He does not help enough
- No one appreciates anything I do
- They have no idea how much I am carrying
- Everyone just expects all of this to magically happen
Over time she becomes short with her husband, she starts loosing feelings of desire for him. She becomes snappy with her kids- and they don’t understand what they did wrong. She withdrawals, keeps score and notices every little thing they do not do.
The resentment grows, and she wonders- what happened to me, when did I become so grumpy?
This is exactly where resentment can show up as your bff, and start listening…
What is this resentment trying to show me?
Maybe it is showing that she hasn’t been communicating honestly- being clear (not just giving hints or passive-aggressive comments)
Maybe it is showing her that she has been saying “It’s fine” when it’s not, so she hasn’t been showing up honestly.
Maybe its showing her that she has been trying to do it all instead of allowing others to do their part.
See how the resentment isn’t the problem, it is pointing towards the problem.
Resentment and Boundaries Are Closely Connected
One of the most helpful ways to look at resentment is that it is a sign that a boundary may be missing, unclear or unenforced. Often resentment shows up with you are giving more than your capacity. When you are saying yes, when you mean no. When you are expecting people to read your mind and know what you want. Where you are doing things out of obligation only. Where you are wanting someone else to notice what you need and not naming it.
This doesn’t mean that other people have no responsibility. It does not mean that your feelings are your fault. It simple means resentment can invite you back into your own power.
Instead of staying stuck in this cycle, you can start with asking yourself:
What do I need to communicate?
What boundary needs to be named?
What responsibility belongs to me here?
What choices are available?
Because even when you feel stuck, there is usually a choice. It may not be an easy choice, but there is usually at least one small step available.
How To Deal With Resentment in and Empowering Way
The goal is not to shame yourself out of resentment, the goal is to listen to what it is telling you with compassion. Here are a few steps to begin.
1.Pause and notice when you are feeling resentment
The first step is just awareness. When you feel that frustration or irritation start bubbling up, notice what is happening. It could look like saying to yourself- I am feeling irritated. I am feeling like I am doing too much. I am feeling unappreciated. I am feeling stretched too thin. Naming it, helps you find a different way.
2.Get curious about what resentment is teaching you
Once you notice and name it, get curious. Ask yourself:
What is this feeling pointing to?
What feels out of balance in my relationships?
What need is not being met?
What conversation have I been avoiding?
What truth have I been avoiding?
Curiosity allows you to approach resentment and the next steps with compassion instead of criticism or judgement.
3. Look for the boundary
When you are feeling irritation, frustration, etc. get clear with yourself before having a conversation- ask yourself:
Where am I over giving?
Where am I saying yes when I mean no?
Where am I overscheduled?
Where am I expecting someone to read my mind?
Where have I not been honest?
These questions can help you identify what actually needs to change.
Boundaries are not about controlling someone else, it is about what you need to show up in a way that feels authentic to you. Here is an example of this-
Let’s say you have a friend that calls or texts you at 11pm a lot of nights, you go to bed at 10 and you have told this friend that you go to bed at 10, but they still keep doing it. Setting a boundary here is not saying “You better stop calling or texting me after 10 or else our friendship is over…” but instead saying. ” I will not answer a call or text after 10pm” and then put your phone on silent.
Setting an empowering boundary is about stating what you will or will not do.
4. Take ownership (not blame)
This step can feel tricky, but is also so empowering. Sometimes resentment shows us where we have handed away our power. We may have told our selves that this is just the way life is, or I have to do it or it won’t get done, or that someone should know how you feel, or others should help without having to be asked. But these are the kind of thoughts that leave us feeling powerless.
Ownership asks:
What responsibility belongs to me?
What communication do I need to have?
What choices are available to me right now?
What small action would help me come back into alignment?
This is about coming back to yourself.
5. Take one clear action
This is where you get to decide what action will help you move forward. Sometimes it is a conversation that needs to be had, stating your need, asking for help, saying no when you mean no.
Say what you need to say as simply as possible. Many times we use too many words because we want to soften what we are saying. We want the other person to understand, agree, and approve of our need or boundary.
But too many words can be confusing, the person can think that we are asking for their opinion on this or they may not like that we are changing things up.
Clear is kind- you might say something like-
I need you to be in charge of dinner 1 night a week
I am not available to help you with that
I need some time before I can talk about this
I feel overwhelmed and need us to talk about how we can share responsibilities
You don’t get to control how someone else responds, but you do get to decide how you show up. It’s okay for someone to be disappointed, that doesn’t mean that you have done anything wrong and know that disappointing people will feel bad, especially if your goal has been to please everyone around you.
Resentment Can Help You Build Self-Trust
When you allow resentment to be a guide, it can show you where you are out of alignment, reveal where you need more honesty and clarity, more support, rest or communication.
When resentment shows up- pause, listen to it, get clear.
It can help you create healthier and stronger relationships with people you love, and that includes yourself.
Reflection Questions
If you notice that feelings of resentment has been showing up in your life, take a few minutes to ask yourself:
- What is this feeling trying to show me?
- Where am I saying yes when I really mean no
- What need have I been ignoring?
- What conversation have I been avoiding?
- What is one small action I can take to move forward in a more empowering way?
Resentment is an invitation to listen more deeply, tell the truth more clearly, and to live a life that you love. The great news is it’s never too late to start!
Are you ready for more support?
How I Support Women in this work
1. Coaching- what best describes you:
- I want coaching and I’ve experienced infidelity and am looking for a way forward
- I want coaching that is focused on making changes with nutrition
- I want coaching to improve my overall life
2. Love Your REAL Life membership: Learn more here
If you’re ready to create a healthier, more intentional life, but aren’t sure where to start- you don’t have to do it alone.
The Love Your REAL Life Membership gives you ongoing support through monthly wellness themes, guided coaching, practical tools, wellness resources, live experiences, and a supportive community of women who are learning to create a life they truly love.
Each month, you’ll receive fresh inspiration, actionable resources, and simple practices that help you care for your mind, body, and spirit, without the pressure of trying to do everything perfectly.
✨ To start your FREE 7-day trial and learn more here
3. The Love Your Real Life Podcast!! Listen in your way:
4. Seven-Days to loving your REAL Life more- Register here
- This 7-day email challenge will help you stay accountable and motivated to build the foundational habits towards living a life that you love.
5. Follow me on Social Media:
See what living a life that you love looks like for me in my everyday life.
- Instagram– follow my stories and reels
- On Pinterest – check out my boards for my favorite ways to create a life you love.
- Join my FREE private Facebook Group: Wellness for Real Life
Be well,
Faith
Board Certified Nurse coach
Holistic Coaching • Yoga teacher • Love Your REAL Life Membership
***Some of the links in my posts contain affiliate links and I will receive a small commission if you make a purchase after clicking on my link. I pinky promise I will always give my honest opinion of any product and would never recommend something if I did not use and love it!!
D I S C L A I M E R Anything that I discuss about making any lifestyle changes is from my own experience and/or other clients personal experiences and may not be suited for you. It is strongly recommended that you consult with your health professional before making changes in your own life. By engaging in anything that I talk about, you agree that you do so at your own risk.